... why I’m feeling so depressed. What follows here is more moaning, so if you can’t bear it anymore, please don’t read on. Sorry.
So, my depression. Of course, lovesickness (at least that’s what I think it is) is one big part of it. How long does that take to be over anyway? And why hasn’t beaming been invented (like in Star Trek)?
But somehow, this is not the only reason. I remember my aunt telling me last week how good I looked and how good it had been for me not seeing my family for three months (ok, she said the last one jokingly, but I begin to see the truth in it). On the first day after my return to Germany, I felt so free, so independent. I had to have my hair cut and to see a doctor, and I did both things by walking there (and NOT taking the car, which I would easily have done three months ago). It took longer, but I felt a lot better. I wasn’t even tired, I was so proud of myself.
The longer I am at home again, however, the more I revert to my old patterns. I haven’t left the house for five days in a row and whenever I’m sad, I go to sleep or online. In England, I could’ve just gone into the kitchen and talked to my flatmates. They always made me feel better. Or I could’ve met my friends and gone somewhere. Here, there’s “just” my family. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my family, I really do. But somehow, I’ve never really got along well with my father. He’s got such a negative attitude which always spoils everyone’s mood (at least mine), even at Christmas. Even before I went to England, I could hardly bear it sometimes. But now that I know the difference, now that I know how it CAN be, I’m not satisfied here. I think I just see my family way too often at the moment. I so need to get out of here. Of course, I could just go out every day, but where? My best friends at the moment are in England or their own home countries. In the last few years, I've never been able to make any close friends because I preferred to stay at home most of the time. Now I've changed a lot. Now I love going out. Now I love being independent, to be able to do whatever I like. I can’t do that here. I don’t like it anymore. Somehow England made me grow up. Quickly.
I also remember a friend of mine saying how she got along a lot better with her family after moving out. I can’t afford that here, unfortunately, but maybe that would be a solution someday. I will spend the next six months in England, so I don’t have to worry about that yet. In fact, I’m counting the days until my return to Birmingham. I don’t want to spend the whole day inside anymore. I’m sick of being lazy. I’m sick of being such an emotional mess. I’m sick of crying all the time.
I actually thought I would be really happy once I returned home for Christmas. Unfortunately, this Christmas turned out to be the... well, I wouldn’t call it “unhappiest”, but perhaps rather “least happy” I can remember. *sobs* I really don’t want to feel like this, but I do. And why does having strong feeling for someone you’ll probably never see again have to be so painful? Can it be the 5th of January already, please? It won’t make everything easier, but hopefully part of it. At least temporarily.
Oh well. I got a whole bunch of DVDs for my birthday and Christmas, so I guess I could watch something to distract my thoughts and feelings. We’ll see. Maybe the Simpsons will help.
At the moment, I’m listening to “Storm” from the Golden Age soundtrack, which I love most. It makes me feel good somehow, as it makes me remember B’ham and the Rushie Meet. It makes me feel at home.
Sorry for my ranting, I’ll stop now.
Current Mood: too grown-up
Current Music: GA soundtrack